How To Shower Like a WOMAN

"How To Shower Like a WOMAN"*

*Take off the fourteen layers of clothing you put on this morning because
there was a distinct chill in the air due to the temperature dropping
below 73ºF.

Carefully fold each item, and place in clothes hamper.

Walk to bathroom. If you see your husband along
the way, cover up any exposed flesh immediately.

Look at your womanly figure in the mirror, and stick out your gut so
that you can complain and whine even more about how you¹re getting fat.

Position the shower nozzle pointing away from you, and turn on the water.

Get into the shower, once you have found it through all that steam.

Look for face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and
pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with Cucumber & Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again with Cucumber & Lamfrey Shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

Wash your hair once again (just to make sure)
with Cucumber & Lamfrey Shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

Condition your hair with Cucumber & Lamfrey Conditioner enhanced with
natural crocus oil.
Leave on hair for 15 minutes.

Watch falling hair accumulate around drain strainer, and fret.

Wash your face with Crushed Apricot Facial Scrub until red.

Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut & Jaffa Cake Body Wash.

Complain bitterly when you realize your husband
has once again been eating your Ginger Nut & Jaffa Cake Body Wash.

Rinse Conditioner of hair, a process which should
take at least 15 minutes, as you must be sure it all comes off.

Shave armpits, and evaluate whether there is enough time and hot water
left to do legs.

Slick hair back, and pretend you're like Jamie Lee Curtis in /'True Lies'/.

Use Pumice Stone to soften rough spots on feet.

Use Massage Mitt to reduce cellulite on thighs.

Use nail brush to clean toenails.

Scream loudly (high F# is an especially effective note to reach for)
when your husband flushes the toilet and you get a rush of scalding water.

Cover your entire body with baby oil.

Turn hot water on full, and rinse off, making shower dangerously
slippery for your husband.

Pat yourself dry, then rub briskly all over with a towel the size of a
small African country.

Check entire body for the remotest sign of a spot, or new hair in an
uncommon place.

Apply Body Lotion from the neck down. Moisturize, Moisturize, Moisturize!

Return to bedroom wearing your long dressing gown
and towel on head, covering up suddenly if you see your husband.

Blow dry hair using an appliance powerful enough to lift Dorothy's whole
farm out of Kansas, and deposit it somewhere in the Ukraine.
Received on Sat Jan 16 14:23:13 2010