Chinese Methods

"Chinese Methods"*

*A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's
hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since
he's eaten anything besides what he could forage and
he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees.

One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the
woods. It has vines covering most of it and the man
can't see any other buildings in the area. However, he
sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone is home.

He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a
beard almost down to the ground. The old man squints
his eyes and says, "What do you want?"

The man says, "I've been lost for the past three weeks
and haven't had a decent meal or sleep in that time. I
would be most grateful if I could have a meal and sleep
in your house for tonight."

The old Chinese man says, "I'll let you come in on one
condition: You cannot mess around with my granddaughter."

The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying,
"I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my
way tomorrow morning"

The old Chinese man counters, "OK, but if I do catch
you then I'll give you the three worst Chinese torture
tests ever known to man."

"OK, OK," the man says as he enters the old house.
Besides, he thinks to himself, what kind of woman would
live out in the wilderness all her life?

Well, that night, when the man comes down to eat (after
showering), he sees how beautiful the granddaughter is.
She is an absolute pearl, and while he has only been
lost three weeks, it has been many, many months without
companionship. And the girl has only seen the
occasional monk besides her grandfather and well, they
both can't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal.

That night, the man sneaks into the girl's bedroom and
they have quite a time and keep the noise down to a
minimum. The man creeps back to his room later that
night thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests
would be worth it after that experience."

Well, the next morning the man wakes up to a heavy
weight on his chest. He opens his eyes and there is
this huge rock on his chest. On the rock is a sign
saying, "1st Chinese torture test: 100 lb. rock on your chest."

"What a lame torture test," the man thinks to himself
as he gets up and walks over to the window. He opens
the shutter and throws the rock out. On the backside of
the rock is another sign saying, "2nd worst Chinese
torture test: Rock tied to right testicle."

The man, seeing the rock is too far out the window to
be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock.
Outside the window is a third sign saying, "3rd worst
Chinese torture test: Left testicle tied to bedpost."
Received on Tue Nov 3 02:00:29 2009