Giving the Cat a Pill

"Giving the Cat a Pill"

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left
arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger
and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently
apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right
hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow
cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.
Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill
away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm
holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws
open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.
Hold mouth shut and count to ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of
wardrobe. Call friend.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees,
hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by
cat. Get friend to hold head firmly with one hand while
forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down remove
ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from
foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair
curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures
from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8) Wrap cat in large towel and get friend to lie on cat
with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in
end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil
and blow down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans,
drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid
to friend's forearm and remove blood from carpet with
cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill.
Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave
head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon.
Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard
door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek
and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw
T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the
road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence
while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13) Tie cats front paws to rear paws with garden twine
and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty
pruning gloves from shed, hold cat's mouth open with
small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large
piece of fillet of steak. Hold head vertically and pour
pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

14) Get friend to drive you to the emergency room, sit
quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and
removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture
shop on way home to order new table.

15) Arrange for SPCA to collect cat. Ring local pet shop
to see if they have any hamsters.

(Note: Joke du Jour takes no responsibility to injuries
sustained or damages done whilst giving your cat a pill.
- LadyHawke.)
Received on Thu Apr 26 07:31:01 2007