Oneliners XXXIV & XXXV

"Oneliners XXXIV"

Usually people are as happy as they make
their minds up to be.

Don't let anyone belittle your integrity
without paying you good money to do so.

I can tell how fast I'm getting older by
the number of TV ads I don't get.

Confidence is always in style.

Remember that God is also there when
things are going well.

The best thing about the present tense
is that it lasts forever.

The easiest way to find something lost
around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out
alive anyway.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

Sex is like air; it's not important unless you
aren't getting any.

There are two kinds of pedestrians--the
quick and the dead.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking
other toys.

If quitters never win, and winners never
cheat, then who is the fool who said,
"Quit while you're ahead"?

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate
at which one can die.

It's not hard to meet expenses, they're
everywhere.

Jury - Twelve people who determine which
client has the better lawyer.

Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over
intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph
of hope over experience.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay
strict attention to every word you say, talk
in your sleep.

*********************************************

"Oneliners XXXV"

The only difference between a rut and
a grave is the depth.

I'm so old I can remember when things
were still made in America.

Half the people you know are below average.

Hang up and drive.

If I had my life to live over again, I'd make
the same mistakes, only sooner.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is
a better defense.

Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman
scorned.

Make Iraq our 51st state, send over the
IRS and get some of our billions back.

You know you are now middle-aged when
people stopped saying you look good and
started saying you look good for your age.

CNN said that, after the war, there is a plan
to divide Iraq into 3 parts,
regular, premium and unleaded.

Marriage is a union. A union of heart,
a union of soul, a union of minds, but
wait 'til you have to pay those union dues.

The best time to give advice to your
children is while they're still young enough
to believe you know what you're talking about.

Being overweight just sort off snacks up
on you.

The journey of a thousand miles begins
with a single 'oy'.

It takes twice as much money to live beyond
your means as it used to.

The fellow who's busy pulling on the oars
hasn't got time to rock the boat.

Noah's remark as the animals were boarding
the ark: Now I've herd everything!

Make your point but don't stick anyone with it.

If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop
helping me.

Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage
is another story.
Received on Mon Sep 18 07:25:39 2006