Health Tips

"Health Tips"

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise
can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats,
and that's it. Everything wears out eventually.
Speeding up your heart will not make you live
longer; that's like saying you can extend the life
of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer?
Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more
fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What
does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are
these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more
than an efficient mechanism of delivering
vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat
chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass
(green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give
you 100% of your recommended daily allowance
of vegetable slop.

Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?

A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits
and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide
everything in the world into three categories:
animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that
beer and wine are not animal, and they are not
on the periodic table of elements, so that only
leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger
and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat,
your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies,
your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: At the gym, a guy asked me to "spot" for him
while he did the bench press. What did he mean?

A: "Spotting" for someone means you stand over
him while he blows air up your shorts. It's an
accepted practice at health clubs; though if you
find that it becomes the ONLY reason why you're
going in, you probably ought to reevaluate your
exercise program.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating
in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy
is: No Pain-No Pain.

Q: If I stop smoking, will I live longer?

A: Nope. Smoking is a sign of individual expression
and peace of mind. If you stop, you'll probably
stress yourself to death in record time.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days
in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it.
How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?

A: Thicker gravy.

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little
soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it
gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if
you want a bigger stomach.

I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions
you may have had about trying to live a longer
and healthier life...
Received on Sat Apr 22 09:17:46 2006