Quick Takes

"Quick Takes"

I saw that my low-fuel light was on, so I stopped
and got $10 worth of gas. And when I was done,
I saw that my low-fuel light was still on.

Quitters never win, winners never quit.
But those who never win and never quit are idiots.

There can't be any life on Mars. They haven't asked
the United States for any money.

When thieves get caught stealing money, they
go to jail. When politicians get caught, it's an
honest mistake.

Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage?
Because they are tired of using their own.

My greatest fear is there is no such thing as
PMS and this is really my wife's personality.

Federal Express had a terrific obstacle to
overcome: They had to convince people that
anything with the word "Federal" in it could
be speedy.

Dr Ruth says women should tell our lovers
how to make love to us. My boyfriend goes
nuts if I tell him how to drive.

After divorce, most men realize that poker isn't
the only game that starts with holding hands
and ends with an astounding financial loss.

For two people in a marriage to live together,
day after day, is unquestionably the one miracle
the Vatican has overlooked.

Men in power always seem to get involved in
sex scandals, but women don't even have a
word for "male bimbo." Except maybe "Senator."

Your children weren't made to like you. That's
what grandchildren are for.

Some people grin and bear it. Others smile and
change it.

We know cellphones don't interfere with
navigation equipment on airlines, but they
sure do tick off the person sitting next to you.

I've been counting calories for six months now.
I don't know about my figure but, my arithmetic's
improving.

A vacation is a two-week-long experience where
money and time race against each other, until
both are totally exhausted.

They're not really fixing the streets. They're just
moving the holes so that motorists can't memorize
them.

Nothing is real to you until you experience it.
Everything else is just hearsay.

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems,
but it will annoy enough people to make it worth
the effort.

Grueling endurance tests: the marathon,
the iron-man competition, the airport security
line.

Nobody wants Americans to come to their
country to help improve conditions. They all
want to come here.
Received on Thu Dec 29 09:20:01 2005