Snow Diary

"Snow Diary"
  ...excerpts from the diary of a man who had
recently moved back to the snow belt after
years in Florida...

Dec. 8 5:00 P.M. It's starting to snow. The first of the
season and the first one we've seen in years. The wife
and I took our hot buttered rums and sat by the picture
window, watching the soft flakes drift down, clinging
to the trees and covering the ground. It was beautiful!

Dec. 9 We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white snow
covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Every
tree and shrub covered with a beautiful white mantle.
I shoveled snow for the first time in years and loved it.
I did both our driveway and our sidewalk. Later, a city
snowplow came along and accidentally covered up our
driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver
smiled and waved. I waved back and shoveled it again.

Dec. 10 It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and
the temperature has dropped to around 11 degrees.
Several limbs on the trees and shrubs snapped due to
the weight of the snow. I shoveled our driveway again.
Shortly afterward, the snowplow came by and did his
trick again. Much of the snow is now brownish gray.

Dec. 11 Warmed up enough during the day to create some
slush, which soon became ice when the temperature
dropped again. Bought snow tires for both cars. Fell
on my butt in the driveway. $145 for a chiropractor, but
nothing was broken. More snow and ice expected.

Dec. 12 Still cold. Sold the wife's car and bought a 4x4
in order to get her to work. Slid into a guardrail anyway
and did a considerable amount of damage to the right
rear quarter panel. Had another 8 inches of the white
shit last night. Both vehicles covered in salt and crud.
More shoveling in store for me today. That darn
snowplow came by twice today.

Dec. 13 2 degrees outside. More darn snow. Not a tree
or shrub on our property that hasn't been damaged.
Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from
freezing to death with candles and kerosene heater,
which tipped over and damned near burned the house
down. I managed to put the flames out, but suffered second
degree burns on my hands and lost all my eyelashes and
eyebrows. Car slid on ice on the way to the emergency
room and was totaled.

Dec. 14 The %&#@ white stuff keeps on coming
down. Have to put on all the clothes we own just to
get to the %#@%& mailbox. If I ever catch the
SOB that drives the snowplow I'll chew open
his chest and rip out his heart. I think he hides around
the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then
comes down the street about 100 MPH and buries our
driveway again. Power still off. Toilet froze and part
of the roof has started to cave in.

Dec. 15 6 ^%#@ more @%#& inches of ^@#^$@
snow and &#@# sleet and #^%@#& ice and who
knows what other kind of white stuff fell last night.
I wounded the snowplow driver with an ice ax, but he
got away. Wife left me. Car won't start. I think I'm going
snow-blind. I can't move my toes. Haven't seen
the sun in weeks. More snow predicted. Wind chill
factor is -22 @#%@ degrees. Screw this stuff! I'm
moving back to Florida.
Received on Wed Dec 28 11:09:20 2005