Company Retirement Policy

"Company Retirement Policy"

  Effective Immediately

Dear Employee:

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted
for department areas,we are forced to cut
down on our number of personnel.

Under this plan, older employees will be asked
to take early retirement, thus permitting the
retention of younger people who represent
our future.

Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel
by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement,
will be placed into effect immediately. This program
will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel).

Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the
opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.
SLAPPED employees can request a review of their
employment records before actual retirement takes
place.

This review phase of the program is called SCREW.
SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early
Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED
and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper
management. This appeal is called SHAFT
(Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).

Under the terms of the new policy, an employee
may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but
may be SHAFTED as many times as the company
deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedure,
he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half
Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance)
or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance
Payment).

As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit
plans, any employee who has received HERPES
or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or
SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger
employees who remain on board that the
company will continue its policy of training
employees through our: Special High Intensity
Training (SHIT).

We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees
receive. We have given our employees more SHIT
than any company in this area. If any employee
feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job,
see your immediate supervisor.

Your supervisor is specially trained to make
sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.
And, once again, thank you for all your years of
service with us!!!

Sincerely,

Your Executive Management
Received on Mon Dec 26 08:17:58 2005