Faux HMO memo to all Hospital Staff

"Faux HMO memo to all Hospital Staff"

MEMO

To: All Hospital Staff
From: Administration/Groundskeeping
Subject: New Cost Cutting Measures

Effective immediately, this hospital will no longer provide
security. Each charge nurse will be issued a .38 caliber
revolver and 12 rounds of ammunition. An additional 12
rounds will be stored in pharmacy. In addition to routine
nursing duties, Charge Nurses will rotate the patrolling
of the hospital grounds. A bicycle and helmet will be
provided for patrolling the parking areas.

In light of the similarity of monitoring equipment, ICU will
now take over the security surveillance duties. The ward
clerk will be responsible for watching cardiac monitors
and security monitors as well as regular duties.

Food service will be discontinued. Patients wishing to be
fed will need to let their families know to bring something
or may make arrangements with Subway or Pizza Hut to
deliver. Coin-operated telephones will be available in
patient rooms for this purpose as well as for other calls
the patient may wish to make.

Housekeeping and Physical Therapy will be combined.
Mops will be issued to those patients who are ambulatory,
thus providing range of motion exercises as well as a clean
environment. Families and ambulatory patients may also
sign up to clean the rooms of non-ambulatory patients for
special discounts on their final bill. Time cards will be
provided.

As you can see on the "from" line above, hospital administration
is assuming the grounds keeping duties. If an administrator
cannot be reached by calling his/her office, it is suggested that
you walk outside and listen for the sound of a lawn mower,
weed-whacker, etc.

Maintenance is being eliminated. The hospital has subscribed
to the Time-Life "How to..." series of maintenance books. These
can be checked out from administration, and a toolbox will be
standard equipment on all nursing units.

We will be receiving the series at a rate of one volume every
other month. We already have the volume on "Basic Wiring,"
but if a non-electrical problem occurs, please try to handle it
as best you can until the appropriate volume arrives.

Cutbacks in phlebotomy staff will be accommodated by only
performing blood-related tests on patients who are already
bleeding.

Physicians will be informed that they may order no more than
two X-rays per patient stay. This is due to the turnaround time
required by Photomat.

Two prints will be provided for the price of one, and physicians
are being advised to clip coupons from the Sunday paper if
they want extra sets.

Photomat will also honor competitors coupons for one-hour
processing in emergency situations, so if you come across
any extra coupons please clip out and send these to ER.

In view of the hot summer temperatures, the Utilities Dept.
has been asked to install individual meters in each patient
room, office, etc., so that electrical consumption can be
monitored and appropriately billed. Fans will be available
for sale or lease in the hospital gift shop.

In addition to the current recycling programs, a bin for collection
of unused fruit and bread will soon be provided on each floor.

Families, patients, and the few remaining employees are
asked to contribute discarded produce.

Pharmacy will utilize this for antibiotic production. These will
be available for purchase and, coincidentally, will soon be the
only antibiotics on our HMO's formulary.
Received on Mon Oct 18 02:38:36 2004