I'm Gonna Be Late Because...

"I'm Gonna Be Late Because.... "

When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in
addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but
I feel good about it.

If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to
work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and
the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18
hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop,
reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was
able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of
the power source, exactly e*log(pi), of the clocks in
the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on
the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will
be in late, or early.

My stigmata's acting up.

I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking
my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up
for work. OK?

I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but
I know we have that deadline to meet...

I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at
the Food Giant.

Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit
disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So,
I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll
be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally,
I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee
records may now contain false information.

The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session.
He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite
things when I am startled.

The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike
to the vet.

I prefer to remain an enigma.

My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead
and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake
through her heart and give her eternal peace. One
day should do it.

I can't come to work today because the EPA has
determined that my house is completely surrounded
by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter
transportation.

I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is
a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.
Received on Mon Aug 2 02:13:44 2004