Subject: Rating Hangovers
From: Unicorn (unicorn@indenial.com)
Date: Wed May 21 2003 - 06:53:11 EDT
"Rating Hangovers"
1 star hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night
was a mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot
of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to
function relatively well. However, you are still parched.
You can drink 10 sodas and still feel this way. You are
craving a steak bomber and a side of gravy fries.
2 star hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look
okay but you have mental capacity of a staple gun. The
coffee you chug is only irritating your rumbling gut, which
is craving a rootie tootie fresh and fruity pancake breakfast
from IHOP. Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels.
3 star hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely
not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because
her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did
with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer 86d you at 1:45
a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed
with a dozen donuts and a meatball sub watching the E!
fashion awards. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of
water, 3 Snapples and a liter of diet coke -- yet you haven't
peed once.
4 star hangover (****)
Life stinks . Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too
quickly or else you might vomit. Your boss has already
lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture
for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't
hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving,
(girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the
bumper cars). Your eyes look like one big vein and your hair
style makes you look like a reject from the class picture of
Revere High, '76.
5 star hangover (*****) AKA "Dante's 4th Circle of Hell."
You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually
annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka
vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy.
You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth
from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to
generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. Death
seems pretty good right now. You definitely don't remember
who you were with, where you were, what you drank, and
why there is a stranger still sleeping in your bed at your house.
6 star hangover (******) otherwise known as the
"Infinite Nutsmacker"
You wake up on your bathroom floor. For about 2 seconds
you look at the ceiling, wondering if the cool refreshing feeling
on your cheek is the bathroom tile or your puke from 5 hours
ago. It is amazing how your roommate was as drunk as you,
but somehow manages to get up before you the next morning....
You try to lift your head. Not an option. It is when you turn your
head too quickly only to smell the funk of 13 packs of cigarettes
in your hair, and suddenly you realize you were smoking, but
not ultra lights...some jackass handed you Marlboro reds, and
you smoked them like it was your second full time job. You look
in the mirror only to see remnants of the stamp "Ready to Rock"
faintly atop your forehead...that explains the stamp on the back
of your hand that has magically appeared on your forehead by
alcoholic osmosis. You have to be to work in t-minus 14 minutes
and 32 seconds and the only thing you can think of wearing is
your "hello kitty" pajamas and your slippers.
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