Subject: Rules For Cats Who Have A House To Run...
From: Unicorn (unicorn@indenial.com)
Date: Wed Jun 11 2003 - 13:13:30 EDT
"Rules For Cats Who Have A House To Run..."
I. DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room.
To get door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer
with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not
necessary to use it. After you have ordered an
"outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out
and think about several things. This is particularly
important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or
mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be avoided
at all costs.
II. CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up,
get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time,
get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug,
shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet,
make sure you back up so that it is as long as the
human's bare foot.
III. BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the
bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything -- just
sit and stare.
IV. HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged
in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with
the busy one. This is called "helping", otherwise
known as "hampering". Following are the rules for
"hampering":
a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the
left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby
stand a better chance of being stepped on and then
picked up and comforted.
b) For book readers, get in close under the chin,
between eyes and book, unless you can lie across
the book itself.
c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the
work in the most appropriate manner so as to
obscure as much of the work or at least the most
important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often
reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles.
The worker may try to distract you; ignore it.
Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery
and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in
spite of what the humans may tell you.
d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or
working on income taxes or Holiday cards (annual
activity), keep in mind the aim -- to hamper! First,
sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged,
watch sadly from the side of the table. When
activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers,
scattering them to the best of your ability. After
being removed for the second time, push pens,
pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.
e) When a human is holding the newspaper in
front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the
paper. They love to jump.
V. WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly
and as close as possible in front of the human,
especially: on stairs, when they have something
in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up
in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.
VI. BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night
so s/he cannot move around.
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