Subject: How To Make Your Girlfriend Eternally Happy
From: Unicorn (unicorn@indenial.com)
Date: Tue Jun 10 2003 - 20:51:17 EDT
"How To Make Your Girlfriend Eternally Happy"
1) Be RICH. This is important for you, but not
for her. For her the number 2 rule follows.
2) Spend MONEY on HER. This is the most
important thing for her, whether you are rich,
have any money, or must lie, steal, or kill to do it.
3) Be TALL. Of course you have no real control
over this, but if you don't do it, she will secretly
and forever resent you for it and it will come out
of left field to smite you. Preferably be about 1
foot taller than her - not for comfort or aesthetics,
but because you are a trophy and, as always,
the bigger the better.
5) Have the EMOTIONAL STABILITY OF A 4-
YEAR-OLD. She will be impressed and
enraptured by your delight at the sight of HelloKitty,
stuffed animals, puppies, kitties, duckies, bunnies,
as well as chocolates, shiny jewelry and other
trinkets and knick-knacks. Also, she will
understand perfectly well if you pout over the
smallest perceived slight or slip and demand to be
appeased, assuaged, or made up to. If you behave
any other way, she will never understand it.
6) Dress like a PRETTY-BOY GEEK. This will
save her the trouble of replacing your wardrobe
and dressing you, herself.
7) Remove EVERY HAIR ON YOUR BODY
EXCEPT THOSE ON YOUR SCALP. The sight
of a whisker on your face reminds her that somewhere
inside you, something is trying to grow. You must not
grow - you must be as unchanging and constant as
the firmament..
8) There are NO MORE RULES to making your
girlfriend eternally happy. If any situation arises
which you feel the rules have not addressed, you
are mistaken - immediately refer to the primary
rules #1 and #2 - they are the solution in every
such case.
This archive was generated by hypermail 2b28 : Tue Jul 01 2003 - 00:00:02 EDT