Subject: Wrong Martial Arts School
From: Unicorn (unicorn@indenial.com)
Date: Mon Oct 01 2001 - 09:42:40 EDT
"The Top Signs You've Joined the Wrong
Martial Arts School"
Lesson 1: A guy who looks and sounds like Danny
DeVito in a bathrobe points to a pile of concrete
blocks and says "Knock yourselves out,
Grasshoppers."
All the trophies in the display case appear to be
altered bowling trophies.
Instead of belts, levels of prowess are denoted
by colorful suspenders and coordinating ascots.
Although the Grand master's hands "move faster
than the eye can see," you can still detect a fair
amount of nose picking going on.
As a student is wheeled out by paramedics, the
instructor say "Class, name 3 things Alan did wrong."
You're pretty sure "Monkey Style" does not involve
masturbating and throwing feces at your attacker.
You practice kicks on a stage while sweaty men
stuff dollar bills in your g-string.
Spent the first eight lessons learning to talk while
moving your lips in a seemingly unrelated manner.
At the end of every class, your instructor says, "...
or you could just buy a friggin' gun."
Your dojo's symbol is a bullseye target.
First demonstration consists of falling to the floor,
curling into the fetal position, and whimpering pitifully.
Frequent pauses while instructor tearfully stops to
right his spilled pocket protector.
The "gees" are used hospital gowns, and the
"throwing stars" are just slices of old cheese.
The homework is always just to watch a Jackie
Chan movie.
Instructor's low fees enhanced by take from
one-on-one "pop quizzes" in dark alleys.
Benihana has a restraining order against your
instructor.
Local muggers gather in the parking lot waiting
for class to end.
Current students bark out on cue the phrase
"Insurance does not exist in this dojo!"
Sensei's "ancient Chinese secret" required notifying
the neighbors when he moved in.
Did Confucius ever really say he was "going to
open up a can of whoop-arse" on someone?
This archive was generated by hypermail 2b28 : Thu Nov 01 2001 - 00:00:01 EST