Subject: The Modern Toolbox
From: Unicorn (unicorn@indenial.com)
Date: Wed May 30 2001 - 07:45:23 EDT
"The Modern Toolbox"
Hammer - In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict
pain on ones enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict
pain on oneself.
Screwdriver - The drink ordered at the local bar after you
call in a professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage
you did while trying to change out a light socket with your
handy screwdriver.
Phillips Screwdriver - The bar drink that you order when the
damage estimate is over $1,000. Contains twice the vodka.
Pliers - A device used to extend your reach the necessary
few inches when you drop a one-of-a-kind screw down
behind the new wall it took you two weeks to install.
Multi-Pliers - Contain a handy assortment of sharp and
dangerous tools. Best left in its leather sheath and worn
on a homeowners belt to increase testosterone levels.
Electronic Stud Finder - An annoying device that never
goes off when you point it at yourself.
Halogen Light - A worklight that lights up your backyard
with the incandescence of a football stadium, causing
you to cast a heavy shadow over the area you're working
on so that you need to use a flashlight anyway.
Cordless Drill - A device that lessens your chance of
electrocution 90% over a standard plug-in tool.
Cordless Telephone - The handyman's 911.
Air Compressor - A mechanical device similar in principal
to harnessing the power of your mother-in-laws nagging
complaints and using the resulting airflow to blast old
paint off the side of the house.
Chain saw - Allows you to cut your way out of the shed that
you accidentally built completely around yourself.
Vise Grips - A pair of helping hands that doesn't critique
the job you're doing or offer advice.
This archive was generated by hypermail 2b28 : Fri Jun 01 2001 - 00:00:01 EDT