Subject: Diary of a Snow Shoveler
From: Unicorn (unicorn@indenial.com)
Date: Tue Mar 06 2001 - 14:45:30 EST
"Diary of a Snow Shoveler" (A LadyHawke's Favorite)
** December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The
first snow of the season and the wife and I took our
cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching
the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It
looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic
we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of
crystal white snow covering every inch of the
landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be
a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving
here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled
for the first time in years and felt like a boy again.
I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This
afternoon the snowplow came along and covered
up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I
got to shovel again. What a perfect life.
December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely
snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells
me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white
Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful!
Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of
winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I
don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice
man I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14: Snow lovely snow! 8" last night.
The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes
everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath
away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway
and sidewalks. This is the life! The snow plow
came back this afternoon and buried everything
again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this
much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape
this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van
and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for
the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the
freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case
the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We
aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my
butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt.
Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which
I think was very cruel.
December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads
are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for
5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm.
Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to
irritate her. Guess I should have bought a wood
stove, but won't admit it to her. Lord, I hate it
when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to
death in my own living room.
December 20: Electricity's back on, but had
another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More
shoveling. Took all day. Darn snowplow came by
twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they
said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're
lying. Called the only hardware store around to see
about buying a snow blower and they're out.
Might have another shipment in March. I think
they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city
will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas
because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today,
and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took
me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to
shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got
undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too
tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on
his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's
too busy. I think the butthole is lying.
December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed
up to 0o. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of
the house this morning. What is she nuts!!! Why didn't
she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did
but I think she's lying.
December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow,
I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack.
If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that
snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls.
I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to
finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at
a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where
I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing
Christmas carols with her and open our presents,
but I was busy watching for the darn snowplow.
December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of
the !=3D@x@!x!x1 slop tonight. Snowed in. The
idea of shoveling makes my blood boil.
Lord, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver
came by asking for a donation, and I hit him over the
head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad
attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's
a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to kill her.
December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever
move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting
on my nerves.
December 27: Temperature dropped to -30o and
the pipes froze.
December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed
in. THE BITCH is driving me crazy!!!!!
December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to
shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest
thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver
is suing me for a million dollars. The wife went home
to her mother. 9" predicted.
December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house.
No more shoveling.
January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white
pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
This archive was generated by hypermail 2b28 : Sun Apr 01 2001 - 00:00:01 EST