Subject: Gift Giving Guide... Women's Gifts
From: Unicorn (unicorn@indenial.com)
Date: Mon Dec 24 2001 - 03:04:18 EST
"Gift Giving Guide... Women's Gifts"
1. Never give a woman any kind of household appliance
or something that is going to make "housework" easier.
A few examples: a blender, a toaster, a new vacuum,
one of those mops they advertise on TV that does
everything but suck the life out of you, anything in a
informercial. The only appliance allowed is a variable-
speed vibrator, adjustable to Slow, Medium, and Who
Needs A Man. Another wise choice is a new washing
machine with a turbo spin cycle. Makes laundry day go
by pretty fast when you can at least sit on it during spin-
dry and end up smiling throughout the evening. In other
words, if you must buy her something that plugs in,
make sure it gives her the kind of pleasure you never have.
2. Any bulk cleaning supplies (e.g., "Honey, I got you that
large box of Tide you've been wanting!" ... "This Windex
should last you a while" ... "I got a good deal on the
industrial-strength toilet bowl cleaner." All I can say is,
be prepared to run (or die a painful death). One more
thing: A Chia Pet is NOT a romantic gift.
3. Any sharp objects made by Ronco which slices or
dices, or a set of Ginsu knives. These may one day be
used as a weapon against you when you come home
with lipstick on your collar after a "night out with the boys."
4. Do not buy gifts for yourself and pretend they are for her.
"Honey, I'm sure you'll get a lot of use out of the new drill
I bought you." By then she will have put it to good use by
drilling a quarter-inch hole into the side of your skull for
even thinking she would accept such a lame gift...unless,
of course, she's into tools -- in which case, buy the damn
drill SHE wants, not the drill YOU want.
5. Any lingerie made of flannel, such as a pair of feet
pajamas with a trap door in back, or a Little Mermaid or
Barney cartoon-character nightgown. It gives her the idea
that you do not consider her the sexy woman that she is.
Take out that wallet and buy her something sexy from
Victoria Secret (just like you did for your girlfriend).
6. No-name perfume which costs you $1.99, such as
Eau de Toilet, which actually smells like the bathroom,
a ten-dollar whore or your dirty socks. If you are going
to buy her perfume, spring for the brand names.
7. Any type of cubic zirconium jewelry you see on the
Home Shopping Network. It will be quite embarrassing
when she is showing off that fabulous diamond to her
friends and tries to cut glass with it. (We do test them,
you know.)
8. Do not buy her clothes because you think for one
minute you have good taste in woman's clothing. Well,
perhaps you might if you're a transvestite, but all in all,
believe me, she'll smile and say it's beautiful while choking
back tears and mumbling under her breath, "Where the
hell would I ever wear this outfit without being arrested for
bad taste?" An additional hint: plaids do not go with stripes
(even though you think your golfing outfit looks just fine).
It's a known fact to the rest of the world that that is a taboo.
9. Do not give her a gift certificate to Jenny Craig or Weight
Watchers. Most men would know better, especially the ones
who have learned the correct response to "Do these pants
make me look fat?" A better alternative would be to hire a
Chippendale dancer as a personal trainer to get her motivated
into getting fit. She'll certainly get a workout stretching to the
oldies while stuffing dollar bills into his G-string. I'm not sure,
but I think that alone burns up 3,500 calories.
10. Last but not least, never buy a woman anti-wrinkle cream,
or "funny" novelty books like "How Not to Be a Bitch Sunday
Through Saturday." These are not considered gifts, but
reasons for seriously injuring the person who bought it --
and just may stand up in court of law as grounds for justifiable
homicide.
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