Subject: Purim Voice Mail
From: Unicorn (unicorn@indenial.com)
Date: Tue Mar 21 2000 - 03:38:32 EST
"Purim Voice Mail"
1. Hello...you have reached the office of the Board of
Rabbis. If you are Orthodox, press 6-1-3; if you are
Conservative, press 1 or 2; if you are Reform, press
any button you like; if you are Reconstructionist, press
all the buttons. (DING)
Please hold on while I transfer your call...
Hello. You have reached the Orthodox rabbi. The
answer to your question is that it is forbidden by the
Torah. If you wish to change your affiliation, press
18. (DING)
Hello: You have reached the Conservative rabbi. The
answer to your question is that we have ruled that
either answer is acceptable to some of us and neither
answer is acceptable to all of us. We hope this has
been helpful. If you wish to change your affiliation,
press 18. (DING)
Hello. You have reached the Reform rabbi. The answer
to your question is: if you want to, sure, why not? Who
are we to say? If you wish to change your affiliation,
press 18. (DING)
Hello. You have reached the Reconstructionist rabbi.
The answer to your question presumes there is an
answer to your question. However, my role is to
empower you to answer your own question. To
answer your own question, please hang up now.
(CLICK)
2. Hello. You have reached heaven. All of our
angels are currently busy. If you know your party's
extension, please enter it now. Please press 0 for
an employee directory.
Thank you for pressing 0 for the employee directory.
If you know the first three letters of the deity you are
calling, please enter them now. ..(click, click, click).
We're sorry, you have entered a non-working name.
Please try again (click, click, click). We're sorry; our
system cannot accept G-O-D; please try G-D. (cl-ck,
cl-ck, cl-ck).
Hello, this is G-D, I am either away from my desk,
or temporarily out of heaven. Your call is important
to Me, so at the sound of the harp, please leave your
message; I already know your name and number.
3. Hello. You have reached the offices of the Israeli
government. Congratulations on having a telephone.
If you are calling for Likud, press 1-9-7-7; if you are
calling for Labor, press 1-9-9-3; if you are calling for
one of the religious parties, please remember that
they do not answer the phone on the Jewish Sabbath.
If you are in favor of territorial compromise, press
1-9-6-7; if you are in favor of retaining all of the
territories, press 1000 B-C-E; if you wish to speak
to a civil servant, don't get your hopes up.
4. Hello, you have reached the offices of the Jewish
Community Relations Council. If you are offended by
our position on Israel, please press 1; if you are
offended by our position on church-state separation,
please press 2; if you are offended by our position on
Black-Jewish relations, please press 3. If you think
all Soviet Jews should move to Israel, press 4, unless
you are calling from North America, in which case
pressing 4 will not work; if you are calling to propose
a boycott of our local newspaper, please press 5; if
you are calling to propose a boycott of ABS, CBS,
NBS, CNN, or PBS, please press 6; if you are calling
to ask who authorized us to speak for the Jewish
community, please hang up and organize your own
Jewish agency. Have a consensual day.
Happy Purim!
This archive was generated by hypermail 2b28 : Sat Apr 01 2000 - 00:00:04 EST