Subject: The 9 Types of Girlfriends
From: Unicorn (unicorn@indenial.com)
Date: Sun Jan 09 2000 - 03:32:26 EST
"The 9 Types of Girlfriends"
Ms. Nice Guy - "Tickets to the boxing match?
Oh, darling, you shouldn't have!"
Also known as: Whattagal, Precious, one of
the boys, My Main Squeeze, Doormat
Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
Disadvantages: May wise up someday
Old Yeller - "You spineless good-for-nothing
drag-arse no-talent son of a bitch! Can't you
see you're making me miserable??"
Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag,
My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell
Advantages: Pays attention to you
Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans
Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My
cramps. My cellulite."
Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Grumpy
Advantages: Predictable
Disadvantages: Contagious
The Bosser - "Stand up straight. Put on a
different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job.
Make some money. Don't give me that look."
Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms.
Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, Yes Mom
Advantages: Often right
Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?
Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide.
Should I switch my career, goals, home, and
hair color?"
Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical,
Aw C'mon Honey
Advantages: Easily soothed
Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed
Wild Woman out of Control - "I've got an idea.
Lez get drunk an' make love onna front lawn.
I done it before. S'fun."
Also known as: Fast Girl, Freewheeler,
Goodtime Charleena, Passed Out
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys
Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs
Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly
cartoons you keep snickering at."
Also known as: No Fun, Humorless Prig, Cold
fish, Chilly Proposition, Iceberg, Snarly
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you
Disadvantages: You will have no friends
Woman from Mars - "I believe this interpretive
dance will explain how I feel about our
relationship."
Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl,
Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic
Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable
Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud
Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you
just the way you are, my handsome genius
of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like
crazed weasels now!"
Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout,
Perfection, Gorgeous
Advantages: Funny, intelligent, uninhibited
Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you.
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