Subject: Why Star Wars Is Better Than Titanic
From: Unicorn (unicorn@indenial.com)
Date: Mon Feb 14 2000 - 08:56:09 EST
"Why Star Wars Is Better Than Titanic"
* The Titanic is big, but it doesn't have hyperdrive.
* Yoda could've used the Force to lift Titanic out
of the water.
* Leia is a princess, a senator, a freedom fighter,
and Jedi material. Rose is just marriage bait.
* Ewoks throw better parties than either first class
or steerage.
* When flying towards the Titanic, Wedge couldn't
say, "Look at the size of that thing!" and *really*
mean it.
* It would be much scarier to get chased around
the boat by a raving madman with a lightsaber
as opposed to a handgun.
* Titanic is egalitarian by portraying poor people
as sympathetic characters. Star Wars is
egalitarian by promoting bug-eyed amphibians
to Admiral.
* Above-mentioned bug-eyed amphibious
Admiral does NOT lose his ship.
* We know Cal is the bad guy because he sneers
at the poor and treats his fiancee like property.
We know Darth Vader is the bad guy 'cause he
strangles people & blows up planets for fun.
* Yeah, Leo can dance, but can he fly an
X-wing? *NOTE* Is this a scary premonition:
Anakin DeCaprio?
* Rose braves icy water to rescue her man.
Leia braves Jabba the Hutt.
* There are always enough escape pods in
Star Wars.
* Do you know what the Empire does to self-
proclaimed "kings of the world?"
* If Luke were handcuffed to a pipe below decks
in a sinking ship, he would use the Force to get
the key.
* Nothing has the same sting as "I'd rather kiss
a Wookie."
* Han is frozen in carbonite and turned into a
wall ornament. Leo simply freezes.
* Han Solo would've steered clear of that stinkin'
iceberg!
* We knew the boat was gonna sink. But who
could've anticipated, "Luke....I am your father."?
* Stormtroopers blast big holes in stupid minor
characters; everyone in Titanic was a minor
character.
* When Star Wars was proclaimed coolest movie
of all time by half of planet earth, George Lucas
did not make a fool of himself at the Oscars.
* Titanic morals: 1) gamble, 2) cheat on your
husband, 3) pose nude for pictures, 4) premarital
sex is OK if you're infatuated, 5) let undesirables
drown.
Star Wars morals: 1) fight evil, 2) do good, 3)
respect all life even if it's ugly and slithers, 4)
rescue princess, 5) save planet.
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