Subject: What We Tell Kids
From: Unicorn (unicorn@indenial.com)
Date: Tue Feb 08 2000 - 03:55:23 EST
"What We Tell Kids" (aka How To Traumatize A Child)
Someone once asked, "Why are parents so
impatient for a child to take his first steps and
speak his first words, when the parents will
spend the next 17 years telling the kid to shut
up and sit down?"
I disagree. I see a walking child as one who
can bring me my slippers from the other side
of the room, and a talking child as one whom
I can intelligently warn about the dangers of life.
For example:
* Don't pet that dog; it will eat your face off.
* Don't go into the street; a car will run you over
and you'll end up like a banana pancake. That
includes your new shoes.
* Don't forget to wash your hands after playing
in the sand. There are tiny eggs under your
fingernails that get into your mouth and hatch in
your belly, and then at night worms crawl out of
your bottom. (I especially like this one because
after I say it, I get a 10-minute break as they
discuss it quietly among themselves.)
* Don't crawl into the refrigerator. There is
green stuff on the leftovers that is growing
faster than you are. By morning it will break
out of the plastic containers and beat you up.
* Don't touch the knives. You'll cut off your
fingers and then you can say goodbye to things
like ripping off your diaper, locking yourself in
the bathroom and poking the dessert just
before the company comes.
* Don't stand around with your fingers in your
nose. Other kids will think you're creepy and
throw sand at you. Plus, their parents will
wonder where you learned it.
* Don't unbuckle your seat belt. You might
get put in prison. You'll have to celebrate
your birthday with a bunch of murderers,
perverts and lawyers.
* Don't bite on that electrical cord. There's fire
inside that will blow up your teeth. You'll never
be able to chew paper, old gum from the
sidewalk or dog kibble again.
* Don't try to climb over the balcony railing.
You'll flip over the top and die, then go to a
place where a bunch of other bull-headed kids
will hit you on the head with a plastic rake
when the Lord is not looking.
* Don't open the dishwasher and jump up and
down on the door. Mommy will have to call a
repairman, then Daddy will die.
* Don't put your tongue on that. A dog went
pee-pee there.
* Don't eat those mushrooms in the grass.
Remember the king in the Babar book; he did
that, turned green and died. You hate green.
* Don't drink anything in the garage. It's all
poison and we'll have to take you to the
hospital, and they'll put tubes in your stomach
and pump everything out. It will hurt when the
Barbie head comes back up.
* Don't lick the pigeons. It's bad enough
we're feeding them moldy bread.
* Don't play in the fireplace. A reindeer went
pee-pee in there.
* Don't hit Mommy's old computer with that
toy hammer. If it breaks, Daddy will have to
buy a new one. On second thought, here's
a real hammer.
* Don't try to kiss the goat. It eats garbage
and will go after whatever that thing is in your
mouth.
* Don't play in the toilet. Remember, the
toilet is dirty even though it looks clean, and
your cup is clean even though it looks dirty.
* Don't keep on wearing those old shoes.
They're too small and your feet will shrivel up
like the potatoes in the vegetable drawer, and
you won't be able to run away from me.
This archive was generated by hypermail 2b28 : Wed Mar 01 2000 - 00:00:05 EST