Unicorn (Unicorn@Indenial.com)
Wed, 22 Sep 1999 06:20:32 -0400
"Warning Signs Of Insanity"
* You write to your mother in Germany
every week, even though she sends you
mail from Iowa asking why you never write.
* You wake up each morning and find
yourself sitting on your head in the
middle of your front lawn.
* You wear your boxers on your head
because you heard it will ward of evil
dandruff spirits.
* You have a predominant fear of fabric
softener.
* Everyone you meet appears to have
tentacles growing out of them, in places
you wouldn't even expect tentacles to
be growing from!
* You're always having to apologize to
your next door neighbor for setting fire
to his lawn decorations.
* Every commercial you hear on the
radio reminds you of death.
* You laugh out loud during funerals.
* Nobody listens to you anymore,
because they can't understand you
through that scuba mask.
* You begin to stop and consider all of
the blades of grass you've stepped on
as a child, and worry that their ancestors
are going to one day seek revenge.
* You have meaningful conversations
with your toaster. (Well, it's a better
conversationalist than the waffle iron!)
* You collect dead windowsill flies.
* Every time the phone rings, you shout,
"Hey! An angel just got its wings!"
* You like cats. Especially with mustard.
* You scream "I've got a knife!" while
wielding your toothbrush to people who
try to sell you things.
* You cry at the end of every episode
of Gilligan's Island, because they
weren't rescued.
* You put tennis balls in the microwave
to see if they'll hatch.
* Whenever you listen to the radio,
the music sounds backwards.
* Your dentist asks you why each
individual tooth has your name etched
on it, and you tell him it's for security
reasons.
* When the waiter asks for your order,
you ask to go into another room to tell
him, because "the napkins have ears."
* You tend to agree with everything your
mother's dead uncle tells you.
* You call up random people and ask
if you can borrow their dog, just for a
few minutes.
* You argue with yourself about which
is better, to be eaten by a koala or to be
loved by an infectious disease.
* You like to sit in cornfields for
prolonged periods of time, and pretend
that you're a stalk.
* You think that exploding wouldn't be
so bad, once you got used to it.
* People offer you help, but you
unfortunately interpret this as a
violation of your rights as a boysenberry.
* You Live in Nashville, TN. and think it
would be cool to date a gal in Pinellas
County, FL. who runs a humor list. It is
just the commute is really going to take
forever.
Seen on a button: "Sometimes
insanity is the only alternative!"
Seen on a shirt: "I don't suffer from
insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!"
Seen on a shirt: "Don't annoy the
crazy person!"
This archive was generated by hypermail 2.0b3 on Wed Sep 22 1999 - 09:00:02 EDT