Unicorn (Unicorn@Indenial.com)
Sat, 05 Jun 1999 21:28:44 -0400
"Returning From Long Trip"
A gentleman is returning home after a lengthy trip,
and is met by his servant at the station. This is the
onversation that they have on their way to his home.
"So, has anything happened while I've been
away?"
"No, sir, I can't think of anything at all worth
mentioning."
"Come now, I've been away for weeks. Surely
something must have happened in all that time."
"Well, sir, come to think of it, your dog died."
"My *dog* died? How awful! Still, he was getting
on in years, and I suppose it had to happen some
time. How did he die?"
"The vet said it was probably from eating the
rotten meat."
"The rotten meat? Since when do we leave rotten
meat lying around for the dog to eat?"
"Well, it was the horses, sir. They'd been rotting
for some time after the barn burned down."
"Good heavens. How in the world did the barn burn
down?"
"It must have been some embers that blew over
from the house, sir."
"The *house*? The house burnt down, too? How
did the house burn down?"
"Well, sir, we think someone must have knocked
over a candle."
"Oh. ... Wait a moment - we don't use candles
anymore to light the house! What were the
candles doing there?"
"They were there for the wake, sir."
"The wake?!? Whose wake?"
"Your mother's, sir. She passed away quite
suddenly."
"Oh my Lord. Mother is dead. The house is gone,
along with the stable. Even my dog is dead. What
did Mother die of?"
"It must have been the shock, sir."
"The shock."
"Yes, sir, the shock. When your wife ran off with
the handyman the day after you left, sir. But aside
from all that, it's been fairly quiet while you've
been away, sir."
************************************************************
"How To Give The Bad News"
Phil goes to Europe and leaves his favorite dog
with his brother James. While in Europe, Phil
calls James to check on his dog and asks: "So,
James, how's my favorite dog doing??" and
James very tersely says, "Your dog is dead."
"What??" says Phil, "You can't just tell someone
his favorite dog is dead without a warning. You
have to ease him into it."
"How?" says James.
"Well, the first day I call, tell me my dog is on the
roof," remarked Phil, "Tell me the dog is going to be
fine and not to worry. The next day, when I call to
ask about my dog, tell me that you were about to
get her down, when she jumped off of the roof and
broke her leg. Tell me the doctors say the dog will
be ok, but it will have to stay at the vet's for a while.
Are you getting all of this???"
"Yes" says James"
"Good." remarks Phil. "Then the next day, when I
call back, tell me that there was severe internal
bleeding that the vet didn't pick up, and that my
favorite dog died at 2:00 this morning. That way
it won't be such a shock to me. Got it??"
"Yes."
"Good, so, how's Grandma doing?" asks Phil.
"Well," James replies, "She's on the roof...."
This archive was generated by hypermail 2.0b3 on Sun Jun 06 1999 - 09:00:02 EDT