A man, called in for an audit at the IRS, asked his
accountant for advice on what to wear.
"Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you
are a pauper."
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got
the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you.
Wear your most elegant suit and tie."
Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of
the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution
of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story,"
replied the rabbi. "A woman, about to be married,
asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night.
'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right
up to your neck.'
But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting
advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right
down to your navel.'
The man protested: "What does all this have to do with
my problem with the IRS?"
"No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The Strongest Man"
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the
strongest man around that they offered a standing $1,000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran
into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who
could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (weight lifters, longshoremen,
bodybuilders, etc.), but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses
and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice,
"I'd like to try the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK,
grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the
wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man
clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into
the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000, and
asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are
you a lumberjack, a weight lifter, or what?"
The man replied, "No, I just work for the IRS .... And by
the way, do lemons have feathers?"
"I beg your pardon?" replied the bartender.
The IRS man asked again, "Do lemons have feathers?"
The bartender responded, "No, I don't think so."
The IRS man responded, "Er... I think I've just
squeezed your canary into my drink..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Her Occupation"
A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him
that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says,
"Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions."
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and
then asks,
"What is your occupation?"
The woman replies, "I'm a whore."
The accountant balks and says,
"No, no, no. That will never work. That is
much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman, "Ok, I'm a prostitute."
"No, that is still too crude. Try again."
They both think for a minute, then the woman excitedly states,
"I'm a chicken farmer!"
The accountant is puzzled,
"What does chicken farming have to do with being a
whore or a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year."