Unicorn (Unicorn@Indenial.com)
Thu, 31 Dec 1998 08:48:26 -0500
My dear Friends & Subscribers!
I know that I am providing you with a Troubleshooting Guide
for drinking, but seriously speaking....
IF you drink, do NOT drive!
IF you drive, do NOT drink! Please.
I hate to lose subscribers that way....
LadyHawke
~*~*~*~*~*~*
"Drinking Guide for the Holidays"
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself lashed to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part
of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about her
house training.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and
textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal
limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth
***********************************************************
"You Know You've Had Too Much Holiday Cheer When...."
1. You notice your tie sticking out of your fly.
2. Someone uses your tongue for a coaster.
3. You start kissing the portraits on the wall.
4. You see your underwear hanging from the chandelier.
5. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.
6. You strike a match and light your nose.
7. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.
8. You hear someone say, "Call a priest!"
9. You hear a duck quacking and it's you.
10. You complain about the small bathroom after
emerging from the closet.
11. You refill your glass from the fish bowl.
12. You tell everyone you have to go home... and the
party's at your place.
13. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.
14. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room... and
realize you're in front of the hall mirror.
15. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.
16. You suggest everyone stand and sing the national
budget.
18. You're at the dinner table and you ask the hostess
to pass a bedpan.
19. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear.
20. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.
21. You realize you're the only one under the coffee table.
This archive was generated by hypermail 2.0b3 on Thu Dec 31 1998 - 09:00:10 EST