Unicorn (Unicorn@Indenial.com)
Thu, 31 Dec 1998 08:41:35 -0500
I'm probably going to get my tail blasted for running this piece.
People seem to forget that this is a joke list. Satires are a
part of a humor collective. Please take it as such.
LadyHawke
~*~*~*~*~*~*
"Revised Tale Of Bethlehem"
And Joseph went up from Galilee to Bethlehem with Mary,
his espoused wife, who was great with child. And she
brought forth a Son and wrapped Him in swaddling clothes
and laid Him in a manger because there was no room for
them in the inn. And the angel of the Lord spoke to the
shepherds and said; "I bring you tidings of great joy. Unto
you is born a Savior, which is Christ the Lord."
"There's a problem with the angel," said a Pharisee, who
happened to be strolling by. As he explained to Joseph,
angels are widely regarded as religious symbols, and the
stable was on public property, where such symbols were
not allowed to land, or even hover. "And I have to tell you,
this whole thing looks to me very much like a Nativity scene,"
he said sadly. "That's a no-no, too." Joseph had a bright
idea- "What if I put a couple of reindeer over there near the
ox and the ass?" he said, eager to avoid sectarian strife.
"That would definitely help, said the Pharisee, who knew
as well as anyone that whenever a savior appeared, judges
usually liked to be on the safe side and surround it with deer
or woodland creatures of some sort. "Just to clinch it, throw
in a candy cane and a couple of elves and snowmen, too."
he said. "No court can resist that!"
Mary asked, "What does my son's birth have to do with
snowmen?" "Snowpersons," cried a young woman,
changing the subject before it veered dangerously toward
religion. Off to the side of the crowd, a Philistine was
painting the Nativity scene. Mary complained that she and
Joseph looked too tattered and worn in the picture. "Artistic
license," he said. "I've got to show the plight of the haggard
homeless in a greedy, uncaring society in winter." he
quipped. "We're not haggard or homeless- the inn was
just full," said Mary. "Whatever," said the painter.
Two women began to argue fiercely. One said she objected
to Jesus' birth "because it privileged motherhood." The other
scoffed at virgin births, but said that if they encouraged more
attention to diversity in family forms and the rights of single
mothers, well, then, she was all for them. "I'm not a single
mother," Mary started to say, but she was cut off by a third
woman who insisted that swaddling clothes are a form of
child abuse, since they restrict the natural movement of
babies.
With the arrival of 10 child advocates, all trained to spot
infant abuse and manger rash, Mary and Joseph were
pushed to the edge of the crowd, where arguments were
breaking out over how many reindeer (or what mix of
reindeer and seasonal sprites) had to be installed to
compensate for the infant's unfortunate religious character.
An older man bustled up, bowling over two merchants,
who had been busy debating whether an elf is the same
as a fairy and whether the elf/fairy should be shaking hands
with Jesus in the crib or merely standing to the side,
jumping around like a sports mascot. "I'd hold off on the
reindeer, the man said, explaining that the use of asses
and oxen as picturesque backdrops for Nativity scenes
carries the subliminal message of human dominance. He
passed out two leaflets, one denouncing manger births
as invasions of animal space, the other arguing that
stables are "penned environments" where animals are
incarcerated against their will. He had no opinion about
elves or candy canes.
Signs declaring "Free the Bethlehem 2" began to
appear, referring to the obviously exploited ox and ass.
Someone said the halo on Jesus' head was elitist. Mary
was exasperated. "And what about you, old mother?"
she said sharply to an elderly woman. Are you here to
attack the shepherds as prison guards for excluded
species, maybe to complain that singing in Latin
identifies us as Roman oppressors, or just to say that
I should have skipped patriarchal religiosity and joined
some dumb new-age goddess religion?"
"None of the above," said the woman, "I just wanted to
tell you that the Magi are here." Sure enough, the three
wise men rode up. The crowd gasped, "They're all male!"
And, "Not very multicultural!" "Balthasar here is black,"
said one of the Magi. "Yes, but how many of you are gay
or disabled?" someone shouted. A committee was
quickly formed to find an impoverished lesbian wise-
person among the halt and lame of Bethlehem.
A calm voice said, "Be of good cheer, Mary, you have
done well and your son will change the world." At last, a
sane person, Mary thought. She turned to see a radiant
and confident female face. The woman spoke again,
"There is one thing, though, Religious holidays are
important, but can't we learn to celebrate them in ways
that unite, not divide? For instance, instead of all this
business about 'Gloria in excelsis Deo,' why not just
'Seasons Greetings'?"
Mary said, "You mean my son has entered human history
to deliver the message, 'Hello, it's winter?'" "That's harsh,
Mary," said the woman. "Remember, your son could make
it big in mid-winter festivals, if he doesn't push the religion
thing too far. Centuries from now, in nations yet unborn,
people will give each other pricey gifts and have big office
parties on his birthday. That's not chopped liver!"
"Let me get back to you," Mary said.
This archive was generated by hypermail 2.0b3 on Thu Dec 31 1998 - 09:00:09 EST