Unicorn (Unicorn@Indenial.com)
Sun, 09 May 1999 19:36:16 -0400
:::::::::::::::::::::::: FOOD FUNNY ::::::::::::::::::::::::
As reader Denise Warner pointed out when she sent me this, it is
longer than I usually publish. I have tried sending the longer jokes
on Sundays, and so far no one has complained. :
MADE FROM SCRATCH
My mother never let me help much in the kitchen. As a result, my
cooking ability was practically nonexistent when I got married. But,
I did remember mother mentioning that she did make cakes, pies and
other things from scratch. So my first trip to the supermarket was to
buy some scratch. I found the isle that read baking items and spent a
good 15 minutes looking at everything from vegetable, oil, sugar,
flour and chocolate without seeing a sign of scratch. I was sure it
wouldn't be with the pickles or the meat. I asked the clerk if they
carried scratch. He looked at me funny and finally said," You'll have
to go to the store on the corner."
When I got there it turned out to be a feed store. I thought it
rather strange, but I decided cakes were food. "Do you have scratch?'
I asked the clerk. He asked me how much I wanted. I suggested a
pound or two. His reply was, "How many chickens do you have? It only
comes in 20 lb bags." I really didn't understand why he mentioned
chickens, but I had heard Mom say she made chicken casserole from
scratch. So I bought 20 lbs and hurried home.
My next problem was to find a recipe calling for scratch. I went
through every page of my lovely "Better Homes and Gardens" cookbook -
a wedding gift. I looked and looked for a recipe using scratch.
There I was with 20 lbs of scratch, and no recipe.
When I opened the scratch, I had doubts that a beautiful, fluffy cake
would ever result from such a hard looking ingredient. I hoped that
with the addition of liquids and heat the result would be successful.
I had no need to mention my problem to my new husband. He had
mentioned early in our marriage that he loved to cook and would gladly
take over anytime. One day he made a pie and when I told him how good
it was, He said that he made it from scratch. That assured me that it
could be done.
Being a new bride is scary and when I found out he made pies, cakes,
and even lemon pudding from scratch....well, if he made all those
things from scratch, I was sure he had bought a 20 pound bag of
scratch also. But I couldn't find where he stored it, and I checked
my supply. It was still full!
At this point I was ready to give up because all the people knew about
scratch except me. I decided to try a different approach. One day,
when my husband was not doing anything, I said, "Honey, I wish you'd
bake a cake."
He got out the flour, sugar, shorting, eggs, and milk, but not a sign
of scratch. I watched him blend it together, pour it into a pan, and
slide it in the oven to bake. An hour later, as we were eating the
cake, I looked at him and smiled and said, "Honey, why don't we raise
a few chickens?
:::::::::::::::::::::: TODAY'S RECIPE ::::::::::::::::::::::
Serve this dish as a sweet accompaniment to meat, as you would a
chutney, or serve it over ice cream or as a sauce for pound cake.
Whatever you do, be sure to give some to friends, along with
instructions on keeping it "alive", or you'll be up to your ears in
the stuff.
Brandied Fruit
2 cups (500 ml) brandy
1 15-oz (425 g) can each of peaches, pineapple,
apricots, pears, and plums, drained
1 7-oz (200 g) jar Maraschino cherries, drained
4 cups (1L) sugar
Combine the ingredients in a large, sterile glass jar or earthenware
crock with a loosely fitting lid. Stir with a wooden spoon every few
days, and add a can of drained fruit and a cup of sugar every week.
You may also add fresh fruit such as strawberries, cherries,
raspberries, gooseberries, peaches, nectarines, apricots, or
pineapple, in a ratio of 2 cups (500 ml) fruit to 1 cup (250 ml)
sugar. Avoid apples as being too hard, bananas and fresh pears as
being too mushy, blackberries as too seedy, and grapes unless they
are skinned.
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