Air Force Maintenance

"Exercise"*

*My first night as a YMCA member I went to the
exercise room to try out the stair-step machine.

"Shall I set it for ten or twenty minutes?" asked the attendant.

"Make it ten," I replied conservatively.

After just a few minutes, though, my legs felt like
lead. I had had enough. As I stepped off the
machine, I limped past some men who were
resting from their workouts.

"I could take only three minutes on that thing," I gasped.

"Okay," snapped one. "Stop bragging about it."

***************************************************

"Air Force Maintenance"*

*Here are some actual maintenance complaints
submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies
from the maintenance crews. "Squawks" are
problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews.

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
Problem #2: "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."

Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."

Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."

Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."

Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."
Received on Thu Jun 3 21:08:09 2010