Backstreet Driver

"Backstreet Driver"*

*My wife and I get along just great, except that
she's a "backseat driver" second to none. After
years of putting up with her pestering, I finally
decided I'd had enough and advised her that
I would no longer drive with her in the car.

Later that day, on my way home from doing
some Christmas shopping at the mall, I heard
my cell phone ring as I was merging onto a
freeway. It was my wife calling.

By chance, she had entered the freeway right behind me.

"Honey," she said, "your turn signal is still on. And
put on your lights; it's starting to rain."

****************************************************

"Not Drunk"*

*I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and
was told by my wife to empty the contents of
each and every bottle down the sink, or else...

I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task.

I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured
the contents down the sink with the exception of
one glass, which I drank.

I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle
and did likewise with it, with the exception of one
glass, which I drank.

I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and
poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank.

I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the
sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank.

I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and
drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass.

I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the
cork down the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the
glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.

When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house
with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles,
and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine,
and as the houses came by I counted them again,
and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank.

I'm not under tha affluence of incohol as some tinkle
peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink.
I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the
drunker I stand here, the longer I get.
Received on Sat Jul 31 22:26:10 2010