Brokeback Mountain Sexual Preference Test

"Brokeback Mountain Sexual Preference Test"*
*

1. If you are over thirty and you have a washboard stomach,
you are gay. It means you haven't s*cked back enough beer
with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time
doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet... the
sugar is over-flowing from your tank!

2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like
a dog, but gay - it grooms itself constantly but never scratches
itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and
whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog...
"Killer, come here! I said get your arse over here, Killer!" Now
think about how you call a cat... "Bun-bun, come to daddy,
Snookums!" Jeeezus, you're fit to be framed, you're so gay.

3. If you su*ck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any
such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight
man only sucks on bar-b-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters,
crawfish heads pickled pigs feet, and boo-bs & pu-ssy.. Anything
else and you are in training to su*ck El Dicko and are undeniably
extremely light in the loafers.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or pee in
a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. The
world is a real mans bathroom; he defecates and urinates
where he pleases.

5. If you drink decaf coffee with skim milk, then obviously you
like a high hard one in the poop chute. Coffee is to be had
strong, black, with full aroma. A straight man will never be
heard ordering a "Decaf Café" or "Latte with Skim" and he
will never, ever know what artificial sweetener tastes like. If
you've had NutraSweet in your mouth, you've had a man's
swizzle-stick there, too.

6. If you know more than six names of colors or four different
types of dessert, you might as well be handing out free passes
to your arse. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain
to remember all of that cr*p as well as all the names of all the
players in the Major league, NFL, NHL, college ball, PGA and
NASCAR. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what
"fressier" is you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile
other than denim, you are faggadocious.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're
dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on
the wheel to honk at a slow-butt driver or to cut the punk off.
The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio
station, eat a hamburger, hold his cocktail, or digitize his
honey's sweet spot in the passenger seat.

8. If you enjoy romantic comedies or French films, mon-frere,
vous c'est le Gay, oui? The only time it is acceptable to
watch one of those is with a woman who knows how to
reward her man. Watching any of the above films by yourself
or with another man is likely to result in SHC (spontaneous
homosexual combustion), which is what happens to horn-
blowers when they flame out too.
Received on Thu Jan 15 08:16:31 2009