The Middle Wife

"The Middle Wife" *
*by anonymous 2nd grade teacher

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years.
I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I
know is the one I saw in my own second grade
classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I
always have a few sessions with my students. It
helps them get over shyness and usually, show-
and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles,
model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff
like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries
or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to
school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright,
very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up
to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed
under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is
Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you
about his birthday."

"First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of
their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's
stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine
months through an umbrella cord."

She's standing there with her hands on the
pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I
had my camcorder with me. The kids are
watching her in amazement.

"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts
saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a
hand behind her back and groans. "She walked
around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!'
(Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and
groaning.)

"My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers
babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car
like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie
down in bed like this." (Then Erica lies down with
her back against the wall.)

"And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water
she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just
blew up and spilled all over the bed, like
psshhheew!" (This kid has her legs spread with
her little hands miming water flowing away. It
was too much!)

"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,'
and 'breathe, breathe'.They started counting, but
never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden,
out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky
stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-
center (placenta),so there must be a lot of toys
inside there."

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow
and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the
loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell
day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another
"Middle Wife" comes along.
Received on Tue Sep 9 07:39:22 2008