Contacting the Dead

"Ways The Wizard of Oz Would Be Different
        If It Were Made Today" *

*10. Grizzly scene in which Dorothy blasts flying
monkeys out of the sky with an uzi.

9. "Katie bar the door! There's a giant asteroid headed straight for Oz!"

8. Dorothy steps outside and says, "Like, this is so not Kansas!"

7. Instead of "oil," tin man moans, "Vi-a-gra."

6. Kathie Lee Gifford plays Dorothy -- audience roots for witch.

5. It would be named "Twister II"

4. To prepare for his role as the Scarecrow, DeNiro
would actually have his brain removed.

3. Lovable dog Toto replaced by lovable droid T.O.T.O.

2. "Lions and tigers and bears, oh fu**!"

1. New title -- "Wiz Got Game."

****************************************************

"Contacting the Dead"*

*A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of
contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The
psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins
warbling, her hands float up above the table, and
she begins moaning.

Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying,
"Granddaughter? Are you there?"

The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat,
responds, "Grandmother? Is that you?"

"Yes granddaughter, it's me."

"It's really, really you, grandmother?", the woman repeats.

"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."

The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, grandmother?"

"Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me."

The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have
just one question for you."

"Anything, my child."

"Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?"
Received on Sat Nov 8 08:05:44 2008