Oneliners LII & LIII

"Oneliners LII"

Hummingbirds are nature's way of teaching humility to cats.

It's easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

The ice cream truck in our neighborhood now plays rap music.

Hawaii is the only U.S. state to produce coffee.

Money talks, but a credit card uses sign language.

The worst thing about censorship is ******************.

Tolerance is letting other people find happiness in their own way
instead of your way.

Only when the plumbing is stopped up do you realize that a flush is
better than a full house.

If you plan for a decade, plant a tree. If you plan for a century, teach
the children.

You may forget with whom you laughed but you will never forget with whom
you wept.

We can never see ourselves as others see us. Even the mirror image is
backwards.

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever
regret.

The next time someone says to you, "Nothing's impossible, tell him, "Go
dribble a football."

I don't know the key to success but, the key to failure is to try to
please everyone.

You can't take it with you...
and with high taxes, lawyer's fees, and funeral expenses, you can't
leave it behind either.

Speaking of immigrants, how did the CA Governator get a green card?
Was there a shortage of body builders in the early '70s?

I'm going to invest my money in taxes. It's the only sure thing to go up.

Football isn't a contact sport. It's a collision sport. Dancing is a
contact sport.

Winter is nature's way of saying, "Up yours."

The world is coming to an end. Insert 25 cents to continue.

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"Oneliners LIII"

The only thing lazy people do fast is get tired.

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

They told me I was gullible . . . and I believed them.

As long as we have each other, we'll never run out of problems.

Shouldn't the National Guard change its name to the International Guard?

We wouldn't have to drive defensively if so many of you weren't driving
offensively.

Skydiving's good to the last drop.

Organized crime is alive and well; it's called auto insurance.

Boldly going nowhere.

I just got back from Orlando, and they need to rename it Tollando.

One thing about children, they never bore you with pictures of their
parents.

Flattery is the best cure for a stiff neck because there are few heads
it won't turn.

Our highways have become insane asylums with turn signals.

Ten years from now, many antiques will be made of plastic.

I'm so old I remember "car phones."

On I-80, the official bird of California is a hand gesture.

Clutter is my trademark.

Nature abhors a vacuum, even in the heads of statesmen.

Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it
every six months.

Before taking a long trip, fill your tank and empty your bladder.
Received on Tue Mar 25 08:03:26 2008