The Way to Achieve Inner Peace

"The Way to Achieve Inner Peace"

We could all use a little more calmness in our lives.
By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil
show, you too can find inner peace.

Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner
peace is to finish all the things you have started
and have never finished."

Therefore, I looked around my house to see all
the things I had started and had not finished
before leaving the house this morning.

In quick order, I finished off a bottle of Merlot,
a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's
Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of
Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac
prescription, the rest of the cheesecake,
some Doritos and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel.

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"The Man Of Your House"

The husband had just finished reading a new
book entitled, "You Can Be The Man Of Your House."

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced,
"From now on, you need to know that I am the man
of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare
me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished
eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.

After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me
and we will have the kind of sex that I want.
Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so
I can relax. You will wash my back and towel
me dry and bring me my robe.

Then, you will massage my feet and hands.
Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

The wife replied, "The funeral director would be my first guess."
Received on Tue Mar 18 05:24:40 2008