Oneliners ILVI & ILVII

"Oneliners ILVI"

Cheerios are really bagel seeds.

New potential career choice: "gas price changer technician."

If you're pushing 80, that's exercise enough!

I'm in a long-distance relationship. I carpool to work.

Due to intense mind fog, all my thoughts have been grounded.

They say it is better to give than to receive. I say it depends on the gift.

Everyone who hates speeding tickets, raise your right foot.

I bought a new boomerang but I can't seem to throw the old one away.

If you do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always
gotten.

Excuse me for driving so closely in front of you.

I clean my house every other day. Today is the other day.

The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me?

It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you lay the blame.

I was a bank teller. That was a great job. I was bringing home $450,000
a week.

A golf course is a site to be holed.

Ever notice that 'What the hell' is always the right decision?

If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.

If I could find a way to fax my kids to daycare, I'd save 45 minutes a day.

Never run from your fears because when they catch up to you, you're too
tired to fight.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

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"Oneliners ILVII"

The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in
his work.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at
large.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.

I'm so strong I can tear a phone book in half the hard way; one page at
a time.

My friend only drinks on special occasions; like when somebody else is
buying.

He changed his name to Hilton so it'll be the same as the name on his
towels.

The best audience is intelligent, well educated, and a little drunk.

We may not imagine how our lives could be more frustrating and complex .
. . but Congress can.

Sympathy sees and says, "I'm sorry.". . Compassion sees and says, "I'll
help."

My doctor told me my operation was fairly routine and not at all
complicated.
I told him to remember that when he makes out the bill.

Fall is when the leaves on the trees know their usefulness is done and
they depart gracefully.
Politicians should be made to watch and learn.

Nothing seems expensive on credit.

Skier: one who pays an arm and a leg for the opportunity to break them.

The horn of plenty is usually the one behind you in traffic!

The hospital should also have a recovery room next to the cashier's office.
Received on Mon Jan 21 06:58:40 2008