Santa's Pet Peeves

"Santa's Pet Peeves"*

*Kids who refuse to believe that it's fruitcake
on your breath and not booze.

When the last guy to use the beard leaves
bits of his lunch in it.

Even with the costume, people recognizing
you from "Crime Watch."

Parents who get all uptight when you offer
their kids a swig from your hip flask.

Enduring the taunts of your old buddies from
Drama School.

Those dorks in the Power Rangers costumes
get all the babes.

Kids who don't understand that Santa's been
a little jittery since he got back from 'Nam.

Lap rash.

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"Christmas Fruitcake Recipe"*
*{Something to save for the next year!}
 
Items Needed:
4 Oz. Fruit Bits
1 Railroad Tie
Wood Saw
Large Rubber Mallet
Safety Goggles
 
WEAR YOUR SAFETY GOGGLES. (Children: Get help
from an adult!) Cut a one-foot section from the middle
of your railroad tie. The resulting block of wood should
be the size and shape of a loaf of bread.
 
Then, take some fruit bits and pound them into the
block with your rubber mallet. Spread the colors around,
or you might wind up with an ugly fruitcake. Don't be
afraid to throw some elbow grease into that mallet!
Good fruit bits should be much harder than the railroad
tie, so you can't break anything.
 
For best result, you should pre-treat the fruit bits by
setting them on top of your garage for a year (or by
microwaving them on HIGH for 30 minutes).
 
Finally, cover it tightly in plastic wrap, and give your
loved ones the timeless and enduring gift of fruitcake!
Received on Sat Jan 3 16:24:57 2009