New Rules For 2008, Part III

"New Rules For 2008"
Part III

New Rule #11:
Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters
in it doesn't make you Spiritual. It's right above the
crack of your a*s. And it translates to 'beef with
broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual,
you were praying to G~d you weren't pregnant.
You're not spiritual. You're just stupid.

New Rule:
Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven
deadly sins. ESPN Recently televised the U.S Open
of Competitive Eating, because watching those
athletes at the poker table was just too damned
exciting. What's next, competitive f*rting? Oh wait,
they're already doing that. It's called 'The Howard
Stern Show.'

New Rule #12:
I don't need bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry
for M&Ms, I'll just eat two bags.

New Rule #13:
If you're going to insist on making movies based
on crappy old television shows, then you have to
give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can
see what's playing on the other screens. Let's
remember the reason something was a television
show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good
enough to be a movie.

New Rule #14:
And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom
attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me
a towel and a mint like I just had sex with a US
Senator. I can't even tell If he's supposed to be
there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want
to be on your webcam, Dude. I just want to wash
my hands!

New Rule #15:
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need
to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine.
He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the
first place.

New Rule #16:
If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want
a job that pays better than Minimum wage, then
for G~d's sake don't pierce or tattoo your flesh.
If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Do
you want fries with that?'
Received on Sat Apr 12 15:12:48 2008