Little Known Feline Ailments, Part I

"Little Known Feline Ailments" Part I

Having conquered cat flu, triumphed over tapeworm
and braved behavioral quirks, it is time to focus attention
on some oft-observed, but little-documented, afflictions of cats.

COLLAPSIBLE LEGS

Symptoms: The affected cat places one side of its head
on the ground as though cheek-marking the concrete,
carpet etc. After several such maneuvers, the legs on
that side of the cat suddenly collapse, leaving the cat
waggling its feet in the air.

Treatment: This involves placing the palm of one hand
on the exposed belly and rubbing gently. There are side-
effects though - some feline sufferers attack the rubbing
hand while others recover spontaneously, often after
prolonged treatment. This condition is probably incurable
and any cat which requires prolonged treatment after an
attack will most likely suffer repeated attacks of collapsible
legs throughout its lifetime.

SNUDGING

Symptoms: The affected cat repeatedly headbutts any
available part of a readily available human and turns its
head slightly so that the lips and cheek are rubbed
against legs, arms, clothing etc. This condition gets its
name from a contraction of the phrase "soggy nudging."
Snudging may well be a form of excessive scent-marking.
A bad attack can result in soggy clothing.

Treatment: Give the sufferer lavish affection. Most attacks
subside between 10 minutes to 1 hour after onset of
symptoms. You may need to dry off snudged clothing
or skin. Attacks recur frequently, usually when the most
readily available human is engrossed in a TV program,
book or telephone call.

BED-HOGGING

Symptoms: The cat spreads to take up all available free
bed space at night. It then expands a bit more until any
human occupants occupy the smallest possible area of
bed. It may do this on top or underneath the covers or on
the pillow. It is highly contagious - any other cats on the
bed will also develop symptoms of bed-hogging.

Treatment: The most obvious solution is to evict the cat
from the bed. If this is morally unfeasible, train yourself
not to give way as the cat expands. Buying a bigger bed
is probably pointless as most affected cats can easily
expand to fill standard, queen-sized and king-sized beds.
Otherwise, simply train yourself to sleep while hanging
precariously off the side of the bed. Attacks of bed-hogging
have been known to last up to 23 hours (in one case a
3-day attack was noted by a cat-owner who was confined
to bed with flu; the cat thoughtfully kept her company during this time).

NONSPECIFIC INSECT INFESTATION
(also NONSPECIFIC SPIDER INFESTATION)

Symptoms: A disorder more prevalent among outdoor-
going cats and cats with access to conservatories and
garden rooms. Symptoms range from minor (the odd
greenfly in tail, money-spider on fur) to severe (entire
ecosystems of insects living on cat, spider webs spun
between ears/whiskers, cat so weighed down with
spider webs that it has difficulty walking).

Treatment: Minor symptoms can be treated by simply
removing the infesting agent (aphid, ladybug, spider, etc.)
and combing webs out of fur. If the cat suffers recurrent
or severe symptoms an exercise regime is highly
recommended since highly mobile cats appear to
attract fewer greenfly (research into this factor continues).
Received on Wed Apr 2 23:31:15 2008