Pet Rules

"Pet Rules"

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height:

Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints
are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are
mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw
print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake
a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find
that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not
a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object.
Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am
very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping
on the couch to ensure your comfort! Dogs and cats can
actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.

It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other,
stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know
that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging
out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom.
If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the
door shut, it is not necessary to whine, meow, to claw the
door, to try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge
and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same
door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for
years --canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is: kiss me, *then* go smell the other
dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our
front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
(That's why they call it "fur"niture.)

3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, s/he is an adopteds on/daughter who is
short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly!

Please Remember: Dogs and Cats are better than kids because they:

1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Usually come when called
5. Never drive your car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink or curse
8. Don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children!
Received on Thu Oct 4 07:36:37 2007