Summary Of Last Year's Emails

"Summary Of Last Year's Emails"

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one
about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I
now have to use a wet towel with every envelope
that needs sealing!

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open
for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a
sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the
hospital for the 1,387,258th time!

I no longer have any money at all, but that will
change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill
Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have
363,214 angels looking out for me, and St.
Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat at KFC because their chickens are
actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or
feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even
though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to y'all, I have learned that my prayers only
get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my
friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca
Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man
along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl
into my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people
who make these products are atheists who refuse to
put "Under G~d" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave
because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of
water in the microwave anymore because it will blow
up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones
because I could be pricked with a needle infected
with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone
will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since
they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and
don't support our American troops or the Salvation
Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will
ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone
bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore,
and Uzbekistan!

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change
once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman
Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine
because a big spider is lurking under the seat to cause
me instant death when it bites my tush!

Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney
has given us. I can live a better life now because he's
told us how to fix everything.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up the
$5.00 I found dropped in the parking lot because it
probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting
underneath my car to grab my leg.

Oh, and don't forget this one either: I can no longer
drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas
companies!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,297 people
in the next 73 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will
land on your head at 5:00 PM tomorrow afternoon and
the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing
you to grow a hairy hump.

I know this will occur because it actually happened to
a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's
second husband's cousin's beautician!
Received on Thu Feb 15 07:53:57 2007