New Surgeon General Warnings

"New Surgeon General Warnings"

The Surgeon General has compiled for
non-confidential distribution a list of activities
which, while not definitely linked to death or
established as causative factors in any
specific form of physical or physiological
deterioration, have been determined through
exhaustive reiteration to be detrimental to the
human condition and specifically to the
welfare of their perpetrator.

The Surgeon General warns:

Never raise your hand during a hijacking
to indicate that you get a kosher meal.

Never moon a werewolf.

Never squeeze a parakeet to death while
screaming, "I want the name of your
accomplice!"

Never use a bulldog as a surrogate mother.

Never hire an attorney who can discuss
specific episodes of The Flintstones.

Never trust an Oriental dentist who sells
miniature ivory animals.

Never walk your dog around someone
else's living room with a pooper scooper
in your hand.

Never tell an IRS auditor that if he doesn't
leave you alone, you plan to cheat again
next year.

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"Careful Observations"

If your girlfriend / wife watches Sex and the
City reruns, you need to inform her that they
are actors, much like the teenage mutant
ninja turtles. There are not 4 women in the
world that
a) live their lives like them
b) dress like that
c) have (or not have) that much sex and
still not own a vibrator
d) even like each other..

If a person drives a Daewoo. They have
no self-respect, and their children are
out of control.

Home Depot is Disney for adults. It costs
the same, and no matter how hard you
fight it, you always end up going back.

People who talk about how much they
make, don't make that amount. How you
figure out what they truly make [ What they
say they make - 10,000 / 6% Bullsh*t Tax.

Never assume anyone likes you. Your
best bet is to hate someone until you
know they don't hate you.
Received on Sun Mar 5 01:48:17 2006