Oneliners XXIV & XXV

"Oneliners XXIV"

Getting information off the Internet is like taking
a drink from a fire hydrant.

America is a country where half the money is
spent buying food, and the other half is spent
trying to lose weight.

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of
your imagination.

Get the last word in . . . apologize.

Love will find a way. Indifference will find
an excuse.

Everybody is ignorant, just on different subjects.

Let's have lunch. I can't afford therapy.

If the world is getting smaller how come they
raised the postal rates?

We have to believe in free will. We have no
choice.

If you have twenty things to do in a day and
nineteen of them go well, which one do
you talk about over dinner?

Half the people on the road should be pulled over
by the police, the other half by psychiatrists.

The difference between FEMA and Social Security:
You might actually live long enough to get benefits
from Social Security.

Don't attempt to run from the past, it is always
behind you.

People like you are the reason people like me
need medication.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a
cash advance.

Middle age: when a guy turns off lights for economical
rather than romantic reasons.

I think, therefore I'm single

Mother Nature has joined the insurgents.

Tankruptcy (n): The financial condition resulting
from fueling one's SUV.

Three things in life are certain. . . . taxes, death,
and data loss.

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"Oneliners XXV"

When you live by yourself, all your annoying
habits are gone!

The supermarket is where you spend 30
minutes hunting for instant coffee.

The only people who listen to both sides
of an argument are the neighbors.

Why is it the loudest snorer is always
the first one to get to sleep.

The extra mile isn't half as long as all those
other miles.

Frustration is trying to find your glasses
without your glasses.

Life is really like a shower. One wrong
turn and you're in hot water.

Without my ignorance, your knowledge
would be meaningless.

Today everyone wants instant gratification,
no matter how long it takes.

They who are afraid to ask are ashamed
of learning.

Blessed are those who can give without
remembering and take without forgetting.

The worst thing about history is that, every
time it repeats itself . . . the price goes up.

We want all machines to be perfect,
with the exception of the bathroom scale.

It's easy enough to spot the winners.
They're the ones not complaining about the rules.

A great actor can bring tears to our eyes.
But then, so can an auto mechanic.

Nobody who is somebody looks down on anybody.

Fight prime time, read a book.

A pedestrian is a man whose son is home
from college.

It's scary when you start making the same
noises as your coffee-maker.

Give me the first six years of a child's life and
you can have the rest.
Received on Mon Feb 27 01:38:32 2006