How To Drive Your Wife Crazy

"How To Drive Your Wife Crazy"
{aka Divorce 101}

1. Start asking her questions (don't mistakenly
do anything) about cooking, cleaning and
laundry. Say, I think its time I learn to take
care of myself. You know, just in case.

2. Volunteer to cook for her. Make sure it's really
greasy. Use every pot and pan in the house
and be sure you spill and/or drop some of
everything everywhere.

3. While brushing your teeth, flick the toothbrush
first at the sink and then at the mirror.

4. Never ask her to get you something from
the kitchen when she's in the kitchen. Let her
spend a good 30 minutes in there and when
she reaches the sofa with a sigh of relief say,
"Will you PLEASE do me a big favor and get
me a beer, my back is just killing me today."

5. Be sure to load up all your pockets with
tissues before you drop them in the washing
basket.

6. Leave yourself a trail of clothing, towels,
dishes, and everything else you put your
hands on. This will ensure you never lose
your way.

7. Wait until she's overwhelmed with work and
lean in close and say, "Did you see how dusty
the leaves on your house plants are?"

8. Put on a TV program and them pretend to
keep falling asleep. Wake up each time she
tries to change the channel and say, "Damn
it, you know how much I looked forward to
watching this. Don't be so selfish."

9. Wait until she is totally engrossed in a
movie then tell her something is bugging you
and you really need to talk about it. Be sure it's
as stupid, boring, and long winded as you can
make it.

10. Wait until she's finally lost a few pounds
on that diet. Start having uncontrollable urges
for her favorite sin foods. When she repeatedly
declines, stick it in her face anyway and say,
"Oh stop it! A little X isn't going to hurt you."

11. Continue until all weight is regained. Then
ask, "Hey, you've been on that diet a long time
now, how much have you lost?"

12. Keep calling her at work to find out what
time she plans to get home and what she
plans to make for dinner. Make sure you're
just not in the mood for whatever she's making.

13. When the opportunity arises be sure to cut
the grass in your brand new white trainers.

14. When you retrieve your clothes from the
closet leave the hanger in place and pull on
the clothing until the hanger is mangled
enough to allow the article to slip off.

15. Tell her something for the first time and
act shocked that she didn't know about it.
Pout and exclaim, "And you have the nerve
to say I never listen to YOU."

16. When you know she's grocery shopping,
disappear! Come home just in time to watch
her carry the last bag in. Grab the receipt and
say, "I'll get the rest of it for you dear." Feign
surprise when she says that's it. End with,
"This is all you got for how much?"

17. When ogling a woman say, "Sure she's
gorgeous, but remember she's young. I
remember when you looked good too."

18. On the odd occasion you actually clean
up a disgusting mess you made, use the
best towels in the house.

19. As your stomach grows just wear your
pants lower and flop it over the waistband.
Then brag that unlike your wife, you still wear
the same size you did when you got married.

20. Wait until the night before you go on vacation
and say, "Hon, you know the underwear and
socks you packed for me? Well, the elastic is
shot and I need new ones."
Received on Sat Aug 26 06:16:10 2006