How To Deal With A Boa Constrictor

"Lunch At The Officer's Club"

One day, a Navy Captain went to the Officer's Club
to eat lunch. When he entered the main dining
room, he found the place was quite crowded. He
did notice three Lieutenants sitting at a table with
one empty chair, so he asked them if he could sit
there. They promptly invited him to join them. He
ordered his lunch and joined them in conversation
as they ate.

At one point, the Captain mentioned that he had
observed characteristics about officers from which he
could determine the sources of their commissioning.
The Lieutenants were eager to hear about this and
asked if he could tell how they had been commissioned.

The Captain turned to the Lieutenant on his left and
said he went through ROTC. The Lieutenant
confirmed that was correct and asked how the Captain
had noted this. The Captain replied that the Lieutenant,
through his conversation, seemed to have a strong
academic background and limited military experience.

The Captain then told the Lieutenant on his right that he
had gone through OCS with previous enlisted service.
The Lieutenant confirmed that this was correct and also
asked how the Captain had determined this.

The Captain said, again through his conversation, that
the Lieutenant seemed to have a firm military background
and a lot of common sense. The Lieutenant across the
table from the Captain asked if he had determined his
source of commission.

The Captain replied that the Lieutenant had graduated
from the United States Naval Academy.

The Lieutenant stated that was correct and asked if the
Captain had noticed his high level of intelligence,
precise military bearing, or other superior qualities
acquired at the United States Naval Academy.
[whew! . . . .it must be hard to be humble???]

The Captain replied that it was none of these that led
to his determination. The Captain had simply noted
the Lieutenant's class ring while he was picking his
nose...

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"How To Deal With A Boa Constrictor
        In The Amazon Jungle"

The following excerpt is from the US Government
Peace Corps Manual for volunteers working in the
Amazon Jungle. It details what to do if an anaconda
attacks you.

Related to the boa constrictor, the anaconda is the
largest snake species in the world. It grows to
thirty-five feet in length and weighs 300 to 400 pounds.

1. If you are attacked by an anaconda, do not run.
The snake is faster than you are.

2. Lie flat on the ground. Put your arms tight against
your sides, your legs tight against one another.

3. Tuck your chin in.

4. The snake will begin to nudge and climb over
your body.

5. Do not panic.

6. After the snake has examined you, it will begin to
swallow you from the feet end - always from the feet
end. Permit the snake to swallow your feet and ankles.
Do not panic!

7. The snake will now begin to suck your legs into
its body. You must lie perfectly still. This will take
a long time.

8. When the snake has reached your knees slowly
and with as little movement as possible, reach down,
take your knife and very gently slide it into the side of
the snake's mouth between the edge of its mouth
and your leg, then suddenly rip upwards, severing
the snake's head.

9. Be sure you have your knife.

10. Be sure your knife is sharp.
Received on Sat Sep 10 02:25:46 2005