Sixteen Steps to Build a Campfire

"Signs You Smoke Too Much"

10. In the middle of smoking a cigarette, you pause for
      a "cigarette break."

9. Your birthday is a state holiday in North Carolina.

8. Your title for the Surgeon General: "Captain
     Bringdown".

7. Cracking your knuckles leaves you winded.

6. Morning schedule: Wake up, cough for three hours,
     take nap.

5. In your neighborhood, they give directions by saying.
     "Go down to the big pile of cigarette butts...".

4. You get mattress fires more often than haircuts.

3. You smoke during sex.

2. You refer to nonsmokers as "pink-lunged sissy boys."

1. You explain to the nurse that you didn't realize you
     were in a "nonsmoking" iron lung.

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"Sixteen Steps to Build a Campfire"

1. Split dead limb into fragments and shave one
fragment into slivers.

2. Bandage left thumb.

3. Chop other fragments into smaller fragments

4. Bandage left foot.

5. Make structure of slivers (include those
embedded in hand),

6. Light Match

7. Light Match

8. Repeat "a Scout is cheerful" and light match.

9. Apply match to slivers, add wood fragments,
and blow gently into base of fire.

10. Apply burn ointment to nose.

11. When fire is burning, collect more wood.

12. Upon discovering that fire has gone out
while out searching for more wood, soak
wood from can labeled "kerosene."

13. Treat face and arms for second-degree burns.

14. Re-label can to read "gasoline."

15. When fire is burning well, add all remaining
firewood.

16. When thunder storm has passed, repeat
steps 1-15.
Received on Thu Oct 20 06:29:38 2005