Position: Mother

"Position: Mother"

JOB DESCRIPTION:

Long term team players needed for challenging
permanent work in an often chaotic environment.
Candidates must possess excellent communication
and organizational skills and be willing to work
variable hours, which will include evenings and
weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some
overnight travel required, including trips to primitive
camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports
tournaments in faraway cities. Travel expenses not
reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES:

For the rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated
at least temporarily, until someone needs $5 to go
skating. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack
mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three
seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the
backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be
willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such
as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets
and stuck zippers.

Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and
co-ordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings
for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be
willing to be indispensable one minute, an
embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly
and product safety testing of a half million cheap,
plastic toys and battery operated devices.

Must always hope for the best but be prepared for
the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability
for the quality of the end product.

Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and
janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION:

Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same
position for years, without complaining, constantly
retraining and updating your skills, so that those in
your charge can ultimately surpass you.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:

None required, unfortunately. On-the-job training
offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION:

You pay them, offering frequent raises and bonuses.
A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because
of the assumption that college will help them become
financially independent.

When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest
thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually
enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS:

While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no
tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock
options are offered, job supplies limitless opportunities
for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play
your cards right.
Received on Sun Oct 16 09:24:32 2005