A Letter to Your Cats and/or Dogs

"A Letter to Your Cats and/or Dogs"

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain
your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my
food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle
of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it
becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that
aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is
not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the
object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall
faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed.
I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue
sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort.

Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they
sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to
each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible.
I also know that sticking tails straight out and having
tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space
is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the
bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and
manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to
claw, whine, bark, meow, try to turn the knob or get
your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open.
I must exit through the same door I entered.

Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -
canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other
dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following
'Rules' on our front door.

******************************************

"Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and
        Like to Complain About Our Pets"

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay
off the furniture.(That's why they call it "fur"niture.)

3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an
adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy and
walks on all fours. Although they doesn't speak
clearly, they communicate extremely well,
especially cats.

5. Dogs and cats are better than kids ...they eat less,
don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train,
usually come when called (this does not apply to cats),
never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using
friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having
to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, and
don't need a gazillion dollars for college. Also, if they
get pregnant, you can sell the children!!!
Received on Thu May 5 06:16:03 2005