Oneliners VII & VIII

"Oneliners VII"

The Government wants more money?
Why don't they try selling candy bars like the Boy
Scouts do?

Many people will spend the summer occupied with
fishing and politics. In fishing you use a worm, and
in politics a worm uses you.

A person that learns from their mistakes is smart.
A person that learns from other people's mistakes
is smarter.

Why be difficult? Put some effort in and be impossible.

I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own
way in the end.

I'm learning to speak Spanish by calling my bank and
pressing the #2 button.

It takes less time to do something right than to explain
why you did it wrong.

The things you tell your teenagers don't reach them
'til they're in their 40s.

He who lives without discipline dies without honor.

One is left with the horrible feeling now that war settles
nothing, that to win a war is as disastrous as to lose one.

Foreign aid: The transfer of money from poor people in
rich countries to rich people in poor countries.

One of today's problems is that everybody is fixing the
blame and nobody is fixing the trouble.

I have a speech impediment . . . my foot.

I need some duck tape . . . my duck has a quack in it

I was thinking of becoming a doctor. I have the
handwriting for it.

The more you say, the less people remember.

98% of the time I am right. Why worry about the
other 3%.

With proper diet, rest, and exercise a healthy body
will last a lifetime.

Thesaurus: ancient reptile with an excellent vocabulary.

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"Oneliners VIII"

Practice courtesy. You never know when it might
become popular again.

Any sports fan can tell you the most brutal thing about
professional football is the price of the tickets.

It's discouraging to think how many people are
shocked by honesty and how few by deceit.

The measure of success is not how much money
you have in the bank, but rather how much money
the bank will lend you.

The real goal is to be rich the moment after you die.

Anyone who starts a sentence "With all due respect..."
is about to insult you.

Don't count your fish until they're on dry land.

Don't judge, you idiot.

Marriage is like a tourniquet; it stops your circulation.

Everything on land is within walking distance.

The road to success is marked with many tempting
parking places.

We're not truly happy until we focus on others.

Sarcasm: an ingenious way of making intelligent
people feel stupid.

Love isn't blind . . . it just has Attention Deficit Disorder.

Life is a bowl of cherries . . . overpriced and only
available at certain times.

A lot of good-looking faces are wasted on ugly people.

Funny that most of our best-sellers are written at a
9th-grade reading level.

Small talk is one step down from no talk.

If it weren't for humor, we might never get at the truth.

To understand politics, we must read between the lies.
Received on Mon Aug 15 01:57:42 2005