Oneliners V & VI

"Oneliners V"

Middle age is when you are warned to slow down
by a doctor instead of a policeman.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

Assassins do it from behind.

Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.

Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.

Upper crust seems to be simply a bunch of crumbs
held together by their own dough.

Make somebody happy today . . . mind your own
business..

To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment
enough for me.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is
nothing without work.

Clearly, what the Iraqis really need is furniture.

At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive
habits.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

An escalator never breaks . . . it only becomes stairs

When you get older, lack of pep is often mistaken for
patience.

The secret of success is to know something nobody
else knows.

What will today's younger generation tell their children
they had to do "without"?

Let me guess . . . your parents are cousins.

Panic attack: like drowning, but there's no water to
make you feel better about it.

If you're doing the speed limit, you're in the way.

"Oneliners VI"

18 out of 10 schizophrenics agree

It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

Bumper Sticker: Excuse me for driving so closely in front
of you.

A beggar wanted 50¢ for a sandwich. I said, "First let me
see the sandwich."

Today is the last day of your life, so far.

No man really becomes a fool until he stops asking questions.

People never grow up; they just learn how to act in public.

One half of the world will never understand the other half
and it doesn't matter which half you're in.

There will never be ethics and honesty in government
until people stop voting lawyers into office.

I've discovered the whole problem with the National
Debt. Most of us work 5 days a week and the
government spends 7.

You'll notice that a turtle only makes progress when
it sticks out its neck.

No matter how bad it gets, I'm rich at the dollar store.

The tongue must be heavy indeed, because so few
people can't hold it.

The minute a man is convinced that he is interesting,
he isn't.

If you want to know more about paranoids, follow
them around.

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

The reason Las Vegas is so crowded is that no one
has the plane fare to leave.

Whatever advice you give, be brief.

You know you beat a Republican in an argument
when he calls you names.

It is not what they say about you, it's what they whisper.
Received on Mon Aug 8 07:31:41 2005