Hurricane Tips III & IV

"Hurricane Tips III"

SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane shutters on
all the windows, all the doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane
-- all the toilets. There are several types of shutters, with
advantages and disadvantages:

Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make
them yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that,
because you make them yourself, they will fall off.

Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well,
once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you
get them all up, your house will look like a redneck crack
house and your hands will be useless bleeding stumps,
and it will be December.

Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy
to use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage
is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.

Hurricane-proof windows: These are the newest wrinkle in
hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they
can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this,
because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska.

Hurricane Proofing your property: As the hurricane approaches,
check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills,
planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc... You should, as
a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if
you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built
immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these
objects into deadly missiles.

"Hurricane Tips IV"

EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you should
have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether
you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says
Florida," you live in a low-lying area). The purpose of having an
evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when
a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic
traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two
hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you
will not be lonely.

HURRICANE SUPPLIES: If you don't evacuate, you will need
a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! Florida tradition
requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go
to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers
over who gets the last can of SPAM. In addition to food and
water, you will need the following supplies:
(1). 23 flashlights. At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out,
when the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights..
(2) Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY
knows what the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so get some!)....
(3) A 55 gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
(4).... A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be
useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)
(5) A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators.
(Ask anybody who went through Andrew; after the hurricane,
there WILL be irate alligators.).....
(6) $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane
passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no
discernible teeth.

Of course these are just basic precautions. As a hurricane
draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the
situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters
in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over
and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away
from the ocean.

Good luck, and remember: it's great living in Paradise.
Received on Mon Nov 8 23:02:45 2004